i fell asleep as you left,
warm and comforted by residual body heat on the couch.
i wake up cold
and alone
in the dark quiet house,

only the scurrying of the mice to keep me company

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A Brief Hiatus in Which to Ramble Some

been out wandering the streets all night
-hunting pomes-
but pickings be slim.

garbage can soda cup refill scam feeds the sugar need
-keeps this engine going.
ritalin, mystery powder, coffee,
all had their parts to play earlier,
tho the effects are long in wearing off.

This spree of ingesting random substances has been going on for days
tempted now, as always, to see just how far i can take it
before emminent emotional/physical implosion takes its toll.

Whilst walking, techno gizmo sends messages out every which-way into the ether
eagerly awaiting some reply that begets some interest

came across a metal band rehearsing in a dojo
came across a housemake on break from mad bagel-making productions
3/4 of a delicious pizza from that encounter
came across 10 lbs of over-ripe bananas sequestered in a dumpster

this plus dumpstered delicious meats gifted me earlier means food secured for the next few days

i’m sitting now against the wall of a thumping club,
-decent reggae reverberating my backside-
awaiting a friend inside who’s taken up my call.

earlier, walking by this same club, some guy (possibly a performer)
called it “the place to be”

the place to be if one has some dollars perhaps…

In part i feel i owe this current adventurous prediliction to the housemate-loaned headphones i’ve been using-
the soundtrack of the city has proven inadequate, debilitating even, to me lately.
Providing my own posits new posibilities, i’m finding

*     *     *

This friend and i walk and talk for quite some time-
i’d elaborate more but i think this part can stay private.

Back on the other side of town, leaving his place
on a fresh handful of ritalin and brain fresh full of inspiration

the urge to explore possesses me

pretending im a ninja i lurk from shadow to shadow behind the various fences gates and contraptions so ardently protesting my presense, but so passive in any enforcement..

mad dash in full light to scaffolding leading to rooftops beckoning overhead-

theres sights to see, theres weirdness to puzzle comprehension, every strange situation left behind a new mystery to solve

this whole damned city’s a playground at night, and i’m taking notes on where to play next

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In It To Win

I didn’t think I had any sort of writing more in me to explore and meander with this evening through this transitionary states of unsobriety, but sending a series of messages to people got a bit of poetic flow-like coursing through the fingers and brainpain and so I’m seeing to what end this might take me.
On an interesting sidenote, my brain is going along relatively fine-as-can-be-expected, but I look up at the screen periodically to realize that completely irrelevant words, interestingly often begeinnign with the proper morpheme, have somehow found their way onto the page without my knowing or consent. Another strange sensation to add to the catalogue building from this duration.

There have been polite disagreements about the nature of rainfall and people’s relationships to them, letters and love and admiration of an atypically candid variety to a good friend that moved away for a while recently, disclosures of built up feelings to other friends I haven’t seen in a wee bit, then who knows what else cuz memory quite honestly fails me at this point, and its acting largely irrelevantly anyways.

Its been going over in my head lately about how, when left to my own devices, I feel a substantive level of stagnation root me to an apathetic zone from which I find it difficult to escape. I have a plethora of fascinating, mind engaging friends that help avert/unravel these situations when we do find the time in our busy schedules, and for that I am of the utmost thankfulness.

Even if I fail/forgot to show it.

If I ever, with some degree or relative frequency, have chats with you that make me seem alive ans animated and possibly expressing what could be considered novel or interesting thoughts, then this means you. Those of you who might have known me for a longer period of time by now might recognize some of the elements of the ‘old’ me reminiscent there. I aspire now to be getting back to a place of relative health, regular creative expression, the expounding and inter-alchemaic magic of engaged discussion with much more frequency, whilst working on working through the elements of myself I dislike that have stuck with/ been programmed into me for so long time.
I can’t thank you enough for that support;
The folks who have shared generously their food and cigs and groceries when I’ve been eating through trash cans to survive, the folks who have called and emailed and dropped by randomly checkin on me, the folks who have bought and bartered my zines (especially those ones who’ve actually enjoyed them),
The people who have decided to be my chosen family, who have made so many kind offers I’ve been compelled to turn down, the housemates who have helped me get off my ass to do chores needed done and who otherwise haven’t been hassling me about being a constant blob of irrevocable doom.
There are many events I’m excited for coming up soon, many more I’m hoping to see happen over the winter, both through my own facilitation and the intrepid work of others, I’m looking forward to those of us on the outside doing what we can to help the  people heading into the injustice system to make their stay as pleasant, comfortable and engaging as we can possible help it be.
We’ve all had so many hard times lately, and continue to struggle on so many fronts; I sincerely believe we have the potential, that we’re at a cusp, where we can truly engage with forging the community it really is we want to see. We’ve gotten to know each other and drift apart slightly, some folks have moved out of our town but not out of our hearts, others have found themselves a home here from which to spread their radical might. We have much work to do, we have much fun to have, we have so many more ways of getting to love and appreciate and support each other.
I see around in the this group of people the most brilliant, most hard working, the most creative minds I’ve ever seem assembled (in my limited experience). I believe that if we actively engage with out abilities to support each other, to learn what it means to do that, if we put out heads together to devise the methods of organization, the methods of sociability that will allow each of us to give life the fullest expression that we wish to give, I think we can change to way we look at community, and the way we look and interact with each other. There’s this untapped realm of possibility we’re all been hinting at in quiet corners; we can make these realities. Our desires to see a better world require the dismantling of the old, but the techniques, the strategies, the modes we live breath love are what’s going to be setting the new stage for the milieu in which we can be ourselves, love the way we determine we’re meant to love, experience the joy we determine our joy is to found, to keep working at creating and expressing what we think it is to be human animals within a new context of our own creation .
.
I think we’re in it to win.

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On Spontanaeity as Defense Mechanism

So, if you’ve read any of the little blurbs that are attached to the recordings i posted, or if you’ve read my poetry zine, or if you just know me, you may have realized that i have this predilection i can’t seem to shake in regards to presented my work as something done ‘on the fly’, or some other thing synonymous with spontaneous.  i’ve been thinking about this a fair bit lately.

i think it mostly functions as a defense mechanism, but one that plays a substantial part in blocking me (along with the whole other host of barricades hastily erected) from engaging in more intentional, more work-intensive creative projects, because i fear judgement, or rather inadequacy from those sorts of engagements.  when i fire off a pome in a single burst, or record a track thats largely improvised in a single take, i reserve the ability to slough off anything negative that comes through in people’s reactions (including my own).  i feel pretty good about my ability to spontaneously create, given that i have no training of any kind, that i don’t put that much effort into it, etc etc, but part of me has a lingering worry that if i were to sit down and say, compose a lengthier, more dynamic piece of music, or write something like a novel/novella, and actually put time into making sure that the various n were the best i could manage, and the parts did their best to fit in as a harmonious whole, that the result would be unsatisfactory.  or outright bad.  or that i wouldn’t even be able to do it.
so that pretty much stops me from even trying, which is pretty weak.

now i’m not saying that i have any desire to cease making spontaneous works, or that i think more time/energy intensive projects are inherently more meaningful or whatever.  i AM aware, however, that all these forms present different possibilities from each other, and that what’s possible in a long meticulous piece is different from whats possible with improvisation.

anyways, i’m making an effort to equip myself with the tools, the time and space to explore a more intentional creative process, and while i don’t know what form(s) will come out of that, i’m confident its as good a direction as any to embark towards.

what’s yer thoughts on the topic? anyone else struggled with this phenomenon?

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On The Broke

bumming around downtown hamilton. i’m not quite sure why i find it so difficult to try and sell my zines to people, when i have absolutely no money. I’ve been living off of garbage for the most part I have less of a problem asking people for spare change in this situation. When i have a few dollars in my pocket, I seem to have less trouble soliciting them.
Quite strange.
Perhaps i’m uncomfortable with appearing desperate to my friends and acquantances, as opposed to strangers? there’s got to be some vanity in that; i kind of pride myself on my ability to function in relative poverty, and perhaps it feels like an admission of failure.
Because i am failing at it somewhat.
Bad nutrition is having quite a negative impact on my well-being, and having zero dollars has been making me pretty anxious lately.
Luckily theres some cash coming in soon from some construction work (at least i hope there is), so i can pay back the money i owe a few friends and lay up next month’s rent (two other sources of anxiety). i’m sure the lack of sunshine is playing its role as well on me.

and thanks to the few folks who bought my zine today!

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An Apology, and Some Things i Recorded

Sorry for the long time without updates.  i’ve been busy and at times a little bit insane, but exciting things seem to be taking shape, and i’m very much hoping to get back into the groove here of doing regular postings.

and so, here’s a link to the tracks i recorded in montreal.  the levels are off, but such things happen when one doesn’t really know what they are doing.

many thanks to dorian, chris, and everyone at the loft for helping me out with these and for putting up with my noise.

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Odd Hiatus

Pulled into hamilton friday afternoon, just beginning to feel the effects of what i’ve dubbed the Tour Plague.
everyone was just pulling through it when i met up with the pirate crew in lennoxville.  my time was yet to come…

I managed to actually remember some pomes and deliver them at a reasonable pace for once, with much thanks to yukon charlie for making space for them in ‘poetry ballistics.’ we worked it out and ran through it a few times in the back of the uhaul from peterborough to hamilton where i put in my first performance since lennoxville, and as the title of this post suggests, i’ve been on hiatus since then.  my current plan is to hitch to kitchener on thursday for the show there, then we all make it back to hamilton somehow for friday (the uhaul is no more; the beast ate much more than its fair share of cash during the odyssey.  some empirean said an army marches on its stomach; our tour marched to the insatiable demands of an 8m/gal monstrosity)

it was somewhat strange being the only housemate present for the show here, whilst being a touring performer who was just planning on passing through, but t’was a fun challenge to engage with.  fairly surreal actually; i hadnt really anticipated the way that the show-a-day pace, the different cities at every stop, new houses and people, and the imposed isolation from the outside world from the back of the uhaul would foster a strange separation of self-sorta feeling, but there it was.

most of the dumpstered food remaining in the pirateship ended up staying here in hamilton, so i’ve been living off of questionable veg and mystery cans.  last one turned out to be ravioli.  mystery is fun.

i’ll be back to regular updates any day now- look forward to an analysis of the economy of radical touring, vague plans forming for next tour, the tracks i recorded in montreal, and whatever else i might tangent off into🙂

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Much Much Better

So some support and clearing of the air and delicious food have me feeling much better. En route to hamilton currently and feeling primed to read some pomes. Just thought I’d report I’m not longer in a doom hole.

me and beans hitchin to the show yesterday post-OPP encounter

me and beans hitchin to the show yesterday post-OPP encounter

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Strange Night in Peterborough

So apparently a really wonderful show just happened in peterborough, but I pretty much missed all of it while I had a 7 hour anxiety attack in the back of the uhaul. I haven’t even met any of the people living here I don’t think..
Backtracking a bit, the O.P.P. busted kicked us out the back of the uhaul halfway here and a few of us had to hitch the rest of the way. Got a great ride from a rad woman who dropped us off right at the house. Thanks, if you somehow read this. Haven’t performed at all for the last two shows. Been scheming a bit with yukon charlie about how to fit ina bit of spoken word into some of his songs, but with the hectic schedule we’ve been following, plus the fact that its impossible to get anything done in the noise and darkness in the back of the uhaul, I don’t know when we’ll get a chance to make this happen.
Suffice to say I’m not doing well, and most definitely was not ready for this tour, but I’m learning a lot and (other than today) meeting lots of great people.
There were dumpstered truffles here, and that was nice.

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En Route to Ottawa

My first post from the back of the pirate wagon.
Lennoxville was sweet beyond imagining! The house we performed at was super rad, the mega-dumpster kept on giving, and tomorrow we do it all over again.
More later, tonight or tomorrow- the bumpy pitch black is putting me to sleep…

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